Lord of the Stud
by Corgidog88
Summary: sam is over weight, frodo is on drugs, and gandalf is the only one in the fellowship with a level head! review, please!
1. Authoress's Note and Something Special

Lord Of the Stud

Disclaimer: The plot, the idea, and the crap are not mine (oh, wait, the crap _is _mine!lol!) The characters' stupid names and personalaties are my own.

In case you get confused, I have provided a list of the characters' _new and improved_ names:

Frodo= Pogo

Sam= Ham

Gandalf= Goddalf

Bilbo= Bobo

Legolas= Legless

Aragorn= Arrogant

Arwen= Arsewen

Gimli= Gypsy

Boromir= Boredmir

Merry= Hairy

Pippin= Piping

And so the story unfolds...

A hoppit named Pogo stood outside of his tiny home. Hoppits were tiny creatures that were much like humans, only they were only 3 or 4 feet tall. They were called hoppits because of their strange desire to hop.

Pogo sighed and listened for the dreadful sound of Goddalf's horse. He hated Goddalf ever since Goddalf had cursed him. Pogo had been handsome, once, with long brown hair, brown eyes, and a surprisingly muscular body. Now he was destined to look like Elijah Wood.

Suddenly, Goddalf came riding up to the house where Pogo and his Uncle Bobo lived. "Hello, nasty Fartbag," he said to Pogo.

"Hello, old hag," said Pogo, who then spit out a mouthful of swearwords, some of which had not been invented yet. _Hmm...It must be time for my daily throwing- up, _thought Pogo, who was a treasure trove of diseases such as O.C.D., A.D.D., and anorexia. The drug dealer whom Pogo visited weekly had recommended barfing once a day, and Pogo had used his advice. Pogo turned and walked toward the house, maybe to throw up on Uncle Bobo.

Uncle Bobo stood in front of a mirror, singing, "I am one sexy bit%, yeah, baby, yeah!" Upon seeing that Goddalf had arrived, he went outside to greet his old friend.

Pogo saw Bobo's "sexy bit% routine and grimaced. _He must be drunk or high...if he's sniffed and of my cocaine, I'm going to be so mad... that's my favorite drug _and _it's expensive..., _Pogo thought.

"Yo," said Goddalf when he saw Bobo. "How are you feeling about your birthday, dude?" It was Bobo's 100,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000th birthday that day.

"Oh, I have something special planned," said Bobo, smiling. Goddalf knew this could mean nothing good.

So did you like it? It's not as funny as I'd hoped it would be, but it's a start... R&R _please_!!!!!!!!!!!!!


	2. The Stud and A Very Short Explanation

Disclaimer: Me no own.

Hey there! How come I haven't gotten any reviews??????!!!!!!!!!! Anyway, here's the second chapter.

"What was that supposed to mean?" Goddalf asked.

"I don't know. It just says in the script... I mean, I really do have something special planned," Bobo said.

Just then, Pogo returned from his puking session. "Hiya guys," he said. "Hey, Uncle Bobo, have you been getting into my secret cocaine supply again?"

"No, Pogo, I haven't been sniffing your- so- secret- that- I- don't- know- about- it- cocaine- stash," said Uncle Bobo. "Anyway, back to my birthday plans. My birthday is _way_ more important than cocaine." He began to tell Goddalf about his birthday party. _I think cocaine is _so _much more important than his stupid birthday! _Pogo thought. Sadly, his thoughts were correct.

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Later, at Bobo's party...

"All of you!!!" Bobo boomed. "I only invited you here because I was feeling suicidal and I needed company!" (The people at the party were so drunk that they didn't care what he said) Bobo continued: "I must leave. I have better things to do. Goodbye." He stuck a silver stud in his eyebrow and magically vanished. Goddalf was the only one who actually cared about what had just happened, so he raced to Bobo's house.

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"Bobo? I told you not to use the stud!!!!!!!!!!!" Goddalf yelled.

"But it's my precious... I know you just want to sell it on Ebay!" _Pogo was right to suspect_ _him of stealing his cocaine!!!!!! _Goddalf thought. "You want the stud for yourself!!!!" Bobo said.

"Yeah, I do... I mean, you just need a vacation... _without_ the stud," Goddalf said soothingly.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Later that night...

Even though Goddalf didn't like it, he knew he had to talk to Pogo about the stud. "Oh Pogo!!!!!!!!" Goddalf called.

"Yeah, what do you want?????" Pogo demanded. Goddalf explained everything, about how the stud was corrupt, about the dark lord of Mortar, about how, he, Goddalf, liked string cheese...

"So let me get this straight," said Pogo, "you want me to have the stud so I'll go crazy?"

"Yeah, pretty much," said Goddalf.

"Then I shall give the stud to you as a gift!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Pogo said angrily.

"Thank you," said Goddalf. "I mean, meet me at..." (consults script) "the Fanciful Unicorn, bar and inn."

Just then there was a rustle in the dope bushes. Goddalf reached over and pulled Ham out of the bushes. "You shall join Pogo. Here is the stud. Bye bye now," Goddalf said, and the journey began.

Click that little button and review!!!!!!!!!!!!


	3. the Black Rider: Stench and More

Disclaimer: I don't own!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The two hoppits (Pogo and Ham) walked down a long pathway in a corn crop field that led out of the Spire.

"If I take one more step, I'll be the farthest away from home I've ever been," said Ham, taking a big bite of ham. He had been eating all of the rations since they had started their journey.

"What? I couldn't understand what you were saying because of the half- masticated ham rolling around in your wide open trap!" said Pogo, who'd had to endure Ham's most painful (and grotesque) moments, as told by Ham himself.

"You sniff too much cocaine, Pogo," said Ham. As there was no reply, Ham went on. "It really shows," said Ham.

'Thank you," said Pogo, and he really meant it. "You know, I spiked that water you're drinking," said Pogo with a smile. Ham immediately spit the water all over the place. Pogo began to laugh.

"I think I swallowed some!!!!!" he choked. Ham fell to the ground clutching his throat.

Often times Pogo did things like this for his own enjoyment. Just then there was a rustle in the corn crops. Ham screamed.

Out popped two hoppits who were called Hairy and Piping. "Hey, look at what we stole from Old man Jankens' farm!" Hairy said, holding up cocaine, dope, and some raw onions.

"We're saved!" Pogo cried, grabbing the little tube of cocaine. He immediately began to sniff some.

"Hang on a second," said Piping, who was opening up the bag of dope. "What is that noise?" Sure enough, there was a loud, fart- like noise in the distance.

"Get down!" Ham cried, and jumped under a tree root. Hairy and Piping followed him. "Pogo, come on," said Hairy, but Pogo was so high he didn't care anymore.

"Ouch, Ham, could you lose some weight? You're completely squishing me," said Piping. "Well, excuse me for being a little more well fed than you are!!!!!!!!!!!!" said Ham angrily. ( Ham weighs a metric ton!!!!!!!!!!)

"We will excuse you if you're making that smell!" said Hairy.

"What smell?" said Ham, who was used to those kinds of smells. Suddenly, a person wearing black and riding a black horse galloped passed them. All the others passed out at the stench of the black rider's fart.

Pogo, however, chased after the rider, calling, "Do you have any cocaine? I seem to have finished mine!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Sorry that wasn't as funny as the first two chapters, but please review anyway!!!!!!!


	4. Pogo is Totally Wasted

Disclaimer: I phsyically cannot own LOTR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sorry I have not posted in a while. I have been too busy. Any way... To my caring reviewers: THANNNNNNNNNNNNNKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Luv ya!

Any whoozits... if you want to read the next chapter of Lord of the Stud, keep on reading. If you do not, please leave your computer and run, screaming from the room. Thank you.

Pogo chased the black rider for a long time, despite the horrible stench and the loud "blats" coming from the rider's bottom. "Hey, come here and give me your cocaine like a completely high drunk," said Pogo. Just then he noticed the black rider was asleep. _Hang on a second, _Pogo thought. _He's not asleep. He just passed out at the stentch of his own gas! _ Pogo knew what it was like to fart so bad that you pass out. He had done it 1000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000 times himself.

Pogo walked back to where everyone else had been hiding. He stumbled and tripped over... well he did not know what it was. _Was it a tree root? A pile of leaves? Another druggie or drunk? _Pogo thought.

He curled up near Ham and passed out.

The next morning Pogo was awakened by Ham "having an accident" in his pants. Pogo yelled at him. Ham replied that he was "too busy" to stop and go to the bathroom. "Shut up, you Fat Bastard," said Hairy.

"I'm not fat!" Ham protested, all though yesterday when he had weighed himself he had been over a ton. His boss had yelled at him for exceeding the weight limit of hoppits. "Besides, that's from Austin Powers, so we'd have to put up two disclaimers." All though Ham was extremely fat, he was right.

hey! You like? R&R now please!!!!!!!!!!!!!


	5. Fanciful Unicorn, Bar and Something Else

Disclaimer: Me no own. Duh.

Hey! The reason I have not been on is that we were updating the computer so we had to have it sent somewhere else and I could not get on!

Miraculously, Pogo, Ham, Hairy, and Piping managed to just appear at the Fanciful Unicorn. When they knocked, a skinny bald man wearing blue eye shadow and lipstick answered. "Welcome to the Fanciful Unicorn, one of the millions of gay bars in Middle Earth!" he said.

Pogo looked at the others. "Password?" the man asked them, smiling. "Ummmmmmmm...." Pogo said, trying to figure out what, if he were gay, would he make his password. "'Gay people are gay' is the password!" Ham shouted. "How did you know that?" Pogo asked. "Ummmmmmmmmmm...." Ham replied as they walked inside.

Pogo immediately headed for the bar. The bar tender hit on him so he left. "I wonder why Goddalf wanted us to come here (hint, hint)," he said to Ham. "I don't think Goddalf is gay," Ham said. Pogo rolled his eyes. Saying Goddalf was gay was like saying that a ham sandwich did not have meat in it.

"I can't stand this anymore," Pogo said as another guy hit one him, saying he was "hot" with his "beautiful blue eyes". "I am leaving."

"Just because you are not gay does not mean you can not enjoy yourself," Ham said rather loudly. "You're not gay? I am ashamed!" a gay man who was passing by cried. "Oh, yeah, I am leaving," Pogo said.

Just then Piping appeared. "Come on, Pogo, I like it here," he said. "What about Goddalf?" Ham called after Pogo.

"I don't care about Goddalf!" Pogo called over his shoulder.

Okay, so flame me. I don't care.


	6. A Lap Dance Unwanted

Disclaimer: Yeah. Do I even have to say it anymore?

Oh. My. God. I am SOOOOOOO sorry I haven't been on in almost exactly a year! Things have gotten so crazy! I'll try to make it up to you, don't worry!

Just as Pogo was about to pray to the porcelain god, he was stopped by an….. interesting gay guy.

The man was –there was no other way to put it- Liberache's boyfriend. He just had to be. Or he was on crack. He was dressed in all pink with a flowing cape. He was wearing bright red lipstick and other things men should not put on because of the vile-ness.

"Would you like a lap dance?" the man asked.

Pogo's face contorted in horror and there was no time to head to the porcelain god for this one. "Who are you?" he choked as Ham was saying, "Is it just me, or does Pogo's puke look like… alphabet soup?"

The pink-coated man rolled his eyes. "I am Stripper," he introduced himself, taking Pogo's hand and pulling him onto to the dance floor.

Hairy watched them dance for a bit and then noticed Ham bent over the place where Pogo had tossed his cookies. He appeared to be eating….

"Oh, god, don't do that!" Hairy cried, pulling him away. He wasn't drunk enough to allow it.

"Why not? Dogs do it!" Ham defended himself, wiping his mouth. "I don't have a problem!"

Hairy shook his head as Piping ran over. "Look at Pogo!" he cried. Pogo had a dazed and dreamy look on his face as he looked up at Stripper.

"Oh no, he's bi!" Hairy yelped.

"What's bi?" Ham asked.

"Errrrrrr…. he goes both ways," Piping said quietly.

"Ah, I get it, it's a two-way street!" Ham said. Hairy went into hysterics at these words, but suddenly he noticed Ham looked sort of….jealous.

"Ham, you don't…." he started.

"What? He's hot!" Ham snapping, turning away from the others.

Okay. That was another pointless chapter. I'll get back to the plot soon enough.


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